Sloe Times

Well it’s been just a shade longer than 5 months since my last post. Certainly I can do better than that, but on the flip side, I’m still wandering around a little aimlessly in the wasteland of my mind trying to figure out exactly what it is I want to be doing. Work is… well work and while I like the paycheck, I’m disliking the actual working for it part. So a new solution is in order. On the flip side of that, I’m a responsible adult with many important things to look after and bills to pay so walking away from the job seems pretty much right out as well. I would exactly classify myself as a coward, but I have to wonder how it is some people just break from the rut they’ve created for themselves and start doing something else. A pretty frightening prospect all things considered. When I think about what I’d like to do it always seems to come with the baggage of planning for it, researching it, etc to the point where it just becomes yet another big task on my plate to sort out before I can move forward. I believe this is what they call analysis paralysis.

So the question is, if I didn’t have to (relatively speaking) do what I’m doing now, what would I like to be doing? For me, the answer is two fold. I’d really like to open up a game/hobby shop because it’s something I enjoy… games that is, and I think it’s the best way to share that passion with others while getting paid to do something I like. In conjunction with that I’d like to get more into graphics work. I like creating things and while I don’t think that I’m a particularly talented artist I do come up with something inspired and creative now and then that makes the doodling and messing around a nice break from the run of the mill activities.

The reality of starting up something like this is that many retail set ups like this are doomed to fail and depending on who you listen to, it’s a dieing business. How do you walk away from a six figure income in a job that while not everything you want, isn’t that bad on the whole to risk my families financial future on a dream that has a better chance of failing than succeeding? I think that the reality is, I need to feel like I’ve got my home life under better control. The thinking being that if it were under control then I would be able to make decisions on this squishier stuff better since I knew exactly what was at risk, or perhaps what level success is achieved at. I have a good handle on my finances I think. Damn credit card companies seem to think so at least as they keep trying to tempt me into going deeper into debt by giving me unsolicited credit limit increases. At least there is certainly some peace of mind there that if something truly horrible happens to the kids I can take care of it in a pinch. But having my finances under control actually isn’t the concerning aspect of this, it’s really about the lifestyle change that would come with taking the big leap that scares me.

Right now, I enjoy my paycheck. I’ve got all kinds of toys and gadgets that I want and things aren’t overly tight with our budget. Life is good. Changing careers would bring all of that to a fairly abrupt end. It almost seems like going backwards since I certainly came from nothing and have done fairly well for myself all things considered. I think that this really boils down to acting on what I want, rather than staying frozen with my fear. Knowing I’m afraid is only half the battle, getting past the fear and taking the plunge is the other half. I tried rock climbing the other day for the first time at one of those indoor rock climbing wall things. Hauling my big ass up there was easier than I thought it would be. Letting go at the top to get back down was extremely hard. Harnessed in on one of those auto-retracting ropes and knowing that it would support my weight and that I was perfectly safe made no difference to me. I would have rather climbed back down than rappelled off of that wall. I think I was up there for a good 10 minutes. Hands and feet cramping but I still couldn’t/wouldn’t let go. I honestly couldn’t tell you how I psyched myself into letting go. Even with the facility guy up there next to me threatening to push me off I still wasn’t going any sooner than I was ready. Eventually I guess I just took a deep breath told myself it was safe and let go. I’m not certain I believed myself but none the less I made it to the bottom. I now understand how it is cat’s seem to defy gravity and hold on to walls… getting up there is easy, that whole coming down thing sucks. The down side is that from hanging onto the wall for so long and getting cramps in my feet, I couldn’t climb up again. That sucked, because it was fun. I guess if there’s a lesson or metaphor here, it is that I know I have fear, and as much as I try to rationalize it and the outcome of my actions that doesn’t actually do anything to quell the panic and paralysis that comes with it. At some point I’m going to have to just take a deep breath, tell myself it is safe, and take the plunge to find out.

So, this here is my plan to make a plan. I’m not setting a date for action because there really are some things I need to figure out. Like, I have no idea what it costs to open and run a store like this for say 1 year. It would probably be a good idea to know this before I try to actually do it and shoot myself in the foot before I even get started. For that I’ll give myself until my son’s birthday. So by December I’ll have an idea of what I’m in for. At least then I’ll have something to work with, and perhaps I’ll use my birthday in January as my next milestone for making progress of realizing the dream.

I’ve just gone through and upgraded wordpress to the most recent version. I suppose I try to keep things up to date (more or less) here because deep down I’d like to start writing again more regularly. I’ve recently started reading The Reagan Diaries. Seems that prior to being elected president he did not keep a diary, and then once he took office he kept one religiously. For what it’s worth, from a historical perspective the book is neat to see some of the behind the scenes things that were going on from that perspective before they became news-worthy incidents that graced our nightly news and newspapers. Hard as hell to just sit and read though. Makes me wonder what people get out of blogs, as readers that is.

It’s about 74 days until I head to Indianapolis for GenCon, and as I write this I happen to be sitting in Amarillo.

I happened to get by Norlander’s Originals for some Beef Jerky today, will have to go again tomorrow to get some more. Funny, that it’s been nearly 3 years to the day that I first wrote about them and their wonderful product. Since then a lot of good things have happened for them and I’m glad to see them prosper. I just wish they’ed get things sorted out so they could ship to me in Chicago rather than me having to wait once a year to get a fresh stash that never lasts a month after I get home.

I’m still chugging away on my project for converting some books into a form that can be used by Fantasy Grounds, that project has a hard deadline that coincides with GenCon though I hope to get it done by the end of July so that I’m not hacking away on it until the last minute. I’m a little disappointed that the group that I got involved with to do this sort of thing in the first place basicly bailed and left me holding the bag after committing to do the project but these things happen so I trudge on solo in the effort.

Certainly I need to try and write more frequently. Perhaps ol’ Reagan will inspire me to do so, though for the time being I’ll continue to tell myself I’m just too busy with work and other deadlines and am just too tired to put thought to electron every day.

4 months. 1/3 of a year. Gone in a wink. I got an email this morning that reminded me that while I had not forgotten this place, I had certainly placed it on the back burner. You see it’s been an action packed time for me. Those of you in the IT field probably had or are having the same sort of fun I did with the fire drills surrounding patching and testing for DST changes. Since I’m a glutton for punishment and that clearly was not enough, the boy 2.0 was born at the end of November. Throw in 10 weeks of bed rest for the wife and it’s amazing I survived with my mind in a reasonably useful form. At 2 1/2 months now the boy 2.0 is bigger and stronger than the boy 1.0 was at that age. This of course means he eats like a horse and none of the hand-me downs are going to fit him after too much longer. I think this place will have to stay on the back burner for awhile longer. I’m still heavy into a development project that will run through July, not to mention my regular job, and family, and raging fires that pop up and need extinguishing. So no, I’m likely not really starting up again, more accurately doing a little dusting and housekeeping.

I can’t imagine that I’m much of a regular stop on anyone’s list now days and that’s just fine too. I suspect that when I do start up again, I will be looking to persue new lessons and new interests which will likely not be what my past audience came to expect. Until then, good night, and good luck.